Head Games

The labor pains were to musc to take at my brothers 5th birthday party on Sand Lake just a few miles west of Remer, Minnesota on a beautiful late summer afternoon on August 27, 1958. Hastily, Carol Bauer made her way into the back seat of an old brown 4-door Chevy for a high-speed race to Itasca Memorial Hospital in Grand Rapids, Minnesota with Migs Ahlbom at the wheel. The pain was excruciating as her soon-to-be-delivered son John, was trying to escape the womb by using his giant head as a battering-ram. After much screaming and blood loss, John Thomas Bauer was born on his brother Pete's birthday. From that day forward, my head became a very big part of my life. Baseball hats wouldn't fit .. class pictures looked awkward .. entrances to snow forts had to be widened .. kids would stop, stare and point .. pillows wore out faster than normal because the constant pounding .. and the one claim to fame was that I was the smallest player on my high school and college football teams but had the largest head ... 7 3/4. The best thing that ever came about because of my giant head was revealed a few weeks ago while visiting a family member in the hospital. Have you ever taken those obesity tests? You know, the ones that say you should weigh this much if you're so tall? Well, while in the hospital room I spotted a devise that measures your height. You back up against the wall and lower the plate to the top of your head to see how tall you are. Well, this one had a weight measure at every inch of height. Mine once again labeled me as obese. This has always puzzled me as I don't think of myself as being obese. I'm 5'7" tall and weigh anywhere from 168 to 172 pounds. Needless to say I walked out of the hospital room with poor self-esteem and a hunger for a diet. That very same night my sister-in-law Andee called my to tell me about her theory on my obesity. She said, "Have you ever given any consideration to how much your head weighs compared to the rest of your body?" She also feels that I'm not obese ... but maybe my head is and thus the extra weight to throw me over the obesity line. I never was so happy in my life. It was my head that was causing all the tonnage issue. Now I can walk away with my head held high.

You're So Vein

Here it is April 25th and the ice is falling from the sky with 16" of snow right behind it. It couldn't get any worse ... could it? My cell phone alarm went off and it was time to take our two dogs Sadie and Lloyd and our cat Luffa to the vet. Since Lloyd is such a puss, I thought I'd bring him in first. He was really excited to be going somewhere different. He stuck his chest out and strut his way directly through the front door of the vet's office. Did you know Basset Hounds have the second best smelling nose of any dog second only to the Blood Hound? Well you should have seen it at work when he walked through that door. He immediately knew he'd made a mistake and started to shake Don Knotts in that funny western movie. What made things even worse was the fact that he had to wait a good 15-minutes before he got the call. Once inside he tipped the scales at 75-pounds. The Vet Assistant gave Lloyd the once-over and checked his temperature by sticking something up his butt. Once in there, she determined he had the runs based on his temperature and the heavy buildup of poop residue caked on his ass. "Well give you something for that," said the Vet Assistant. She then called for the Doc as they needed to draw blood to see if he had any viruses or other health concerns. She also informed me that Basset Hounds are terrible for finding a good vein for blood because of their short, stocky legs and the Doc would do abetter job than her. After many attempts at finding a vein in the front leg they went for the back and finally struck gold ... or should I say red. The blood was rushed off for testing, Lloyd took three shots in the back of the neck and he was off to the Camry and very excited to do so. Next was Sadie. She's a 14-year-old Blue healer who has bad back hips, poor eyesight and is losing her hearing. What she does have is spirit and the will to live. Sadie has spent her whole life on the horse trail and very prod of that. Sadie was a gem in the Doc's office. They drew her blood, gave her two shots and it was off to join Lloyd in the back seat after dodging a extremely hyper German Sheppard and a 97-pound golden lab in the lobby. Up next ... Luffa the cat. Luffa came was taken from the car in a cat kennel and was a little nervous. They wieghed her (12.55 pounds) and checked her out everywhere imaginable. She received two shots and was on her way. After returning from the car I was told that Sadie had a tic-bearing disease and needed special medication. "We'll give you something for that." They also gave us Frontline and some chewy chunks that help them with something but I'm not really sure what. When the receptionist in the black and white animal smock told me the total for this 30-minute visit ... I almost shit my pants. Thank God I didn't because they would have probably shoved that thermometer up my ass and charged me for it. Oh .. did I forget to tell you how much the bill was? $481.76.

Both Barrels

Today we are celebrating KAXE's 32nd birthday. In honor of our birthday we asked people to bake us 32 birthday cakes and the count so far is 24. Earlier this morning in the KAXE Kitchen I ran into a very nice gentleman who spilled his guts out to me. He asked me how long I've been working at KAXE and I told him nearly 13 years. He said and I quote, "I thought you were an asshole! But now I love listening to you." He said he normally doesn't open up like that with people but he did for me and I thought it was great .. kind of! Then, a short guy with dark "Al Linder" ssunglasses stopped by for a piece of cake. I've never met him before in my life. The first thing he said to me was, "The things you see when you don't have a gun!" I've never understood the unique gift I have that makes people despise me but it must be real.

The Vibrator Incident

So I'm sitting in the back row with Jo at a fundraising session and I keep hearing this distant vibrating noise. For some reason vibrating noises make you perk up and pay attention. The first chorus of rings were confusing. I couldn't tell if it was a cell phone on vibrate or the hotel workers doing something in the basement. Shame on you! Get your mind out of the gutter. I was thinking it might have been a dish washer or dryer in spin cycle. Then, after a 30-second lull, the vibrating noise came back. It became very obvious now that it was a cell phone in this woman's purse who was sitting right behind us. The vibrating rings seemed to go on and on forever. I tried spinning my head around at about a 45 degree angle as to give her a glare and a hint that the vibrating was driving everyone nuts but to no avail. I couldn't believe it didn't work. You see, I have the biggest head you've ever seen. I was the smallest guy on my college football team and I had the biggest head. 7 3/4 inches to be exact. A human battering ram. After about a minute the phone vibrations reared their ugly head again. I was infuriated. I started to count the number of vibrating rings ... there were twelve. Isn't there some way you can set your vibrating rings to 3 or 4 before it goes to your voicemail? Obviously this lady didn't know. Actually, she didn't give a shit! Why? Because it rang again, four times in all and she didn't bat an eye. Now don't get me wrong, cell phones have become a necessity in our daily lives. Other necessities in our daily lives are manners .. and this lady had jack for manners. Once the vibrating stopped, the fundraising session went quite well .. that is until I ran into the breast-feeding woman.

Hands Down

Do you remember being in elementary school and knowing the answer to a question the teacher had asked? It didn't happen very often to me. But when I did know the answer I would thrust my little hand in the air and wiggle my fingers like they were live snakes. Sometimes I'd even mumble "ooh .. ohh" to enhance my odds of being called on. I was eight years old then .. that was my excuse. Guess what? People still do that today and they are not children. They're fucking adults! At the National Federation of Community Broadcasters Conference in Atlanta, Georgia this past week I saw more hand waving then you'd see at an Abba concert. The first one was pathetic. This guy put his hand up right at the start of the presenters presentation and wouldn't take it down until she called on him. Probably two minutes of hand-raising! Guess what? The son-of-a-bitch did it again! This time it was up and waving for a good four minutes before being called on. I'm staring at this guy the whole time and was trying to understand why he would do that. Was it something that happened in his childhood? Did his parents make him do that at home so he could eat? Was he rejected by girls when he was young? I don't know, maybe he goes to a lot of high-powered auction houses around the world and he bids a lot. This stories not over with. He actually raised his hand again and this time it was the "final four" of hand-raising. You know the one. Your hand is up so long that you actually have to prop your arm up with your free hand. Sort of like a human tripod. You could just read the mind of the presenter, "Not this asshole again! This isn't elementary school .. put down your hand before I rip your head off!" He didn't .. all he wanted to do was make sure everyone knew of the great idea he had during their most recent fundraiser. This was not an isolated incident of hand-raising .. they were everywhere at the conference. I've come to the conclusion that this is one of two things. Either it's a creative way of getting some light exercise or a gross display of narcisism. Keep this in mind the next time you have the urge to raise your hand. Even though it might not sound like it, I really enjoyed the conference. That is until this women's phone wouldn't stop ringing

I Beg Your Forbearance

I recently returned from Atlanta, Georgia where I attended the National Federation of Community Broadcasters Conference. Like most conferences, the learning sessions are spread out during the course of the day. Sessions like New Media; Community Engagement; Nontraditional Revenue Streams; Professional Radio Interviewing Skills; Better Web Sites; and What Can We Say to name just a few. Most people who know me know that I'm not a master of the English language even though my dearly departed mother was a honors English teacher. It seems like everywhere you go these days, whether it's a conference or meeting, someone's always trying to impress somebody with the shit that comes out of their mouths. Why must they do that? Do they get some sort of sexual gratification from doing it? They better ... because that's the only excuse I can possibly think of for doing it. Case in point, the opening presenter, after making several verbal errors made the statement "I beg your forbearance." What the hell's with that? I looked up forbearance in the dictionary and it defines forbearance as: to be patient. Needless to say, I lost mine right from the start. Why couldn't she have said "Please be patient with me." But no ... right from the get-go .. she starts out an NFCB conference with an obviosuly impressive word. Is that intentional? Does that shit just flow out of her mouth naturally? I'd have to study on the plane and stay up all night to come up with a single word like that! Anyway, I really enjoyed the conference ... until that guy wouldn't stop raising his hand