What The Hell's Going On

Vince Lombardi, the late, great coach of the Green Bay Packers used to have a great saying when he coached ... "What the hell is going on out there!" I use that one a lot when I'm coaching as well. But lately I've been screaming it in the privacy of my own kitchen. This whole recycling thing and the world making an effort to be green is driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong, I recycle everything and I pick up garbage and I verbally assault people that throw cigarette butts out there window. But somebody please help me understand the madness behind recycling? There's a numbering system on the bottom of plastic containers that goes from 1-7. But the #1's are the only ones you can recycle .. right? So when I look at the bottom of my frozen raspberry container it reads #3 ... when I read the bottom of my skim milk jug it reads #1. Recycle the milk jug and toss the fruit cup. What the hell's up with that? If there is such a push to make this planet greener, then why in the world isn't everything a #1. Why waste time with the 2'a and 6's? Is it that it's cheaper for companies to sell products in 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's and 6's? If that's true, wouldn't everyone be willing to pay a few cents more for their fruit cups to be recyclable? Also, now I hear that these Nalgene water jugs that are #'7's will kill you. This world is a dangerous place. They used to say you had a greater chance of getting killed by simply crossing the street than you did in a plane crash. Now I think you have a better chance of kicking-the-bucket drinking water than you do crossing the street. The next thing you know vitamins will be bad for you. Come to think of it, my Dr. encouraged me a few years ago to take Vitamin E. She said, "It will make you live longer." Last year I read a report in the American Journal of Medicine that said Vitamin E could kill you ... what the f ---!

Two Left Feet

What does stress do to you? Does it make you lose weight? Does it make you vulnerable to diseases? Does it make you snap at your family members? Does it make you miss your period? Does it make your hair fall out? Does it make your poop a little softer? Stress does many things to many people but the example I witnessed today was a first. I was sitting in a meeting when I heard a loud "Oh my God" come from one of the people in the meeting. "I'm so embarrassed ... I can't believe this. How could this happen?" as he buried his blushing face in his hands. What was it you ask? He put on two completely different shoes. That's' right ... two completely different shoes! I thought bringing a full gallon of milk out to the car with me was bad? Can you imagine putting on two different shoes? I'm trying to imagine how that happened. Does he have both pair right next to each other and put them on blindly? Wouldn't they feel different? I guess not because he had them on today. I sure hope he tells his family this story because it's just too good. I've always heard that if you don't make mistakes you're not trying.

Running His Ass Off

I was cleaning up the horse manure from our land the other day toward evening and I heard a blood-curdling scream from the west side of our field. I looked up to see Jack, our donkey, chasing after my dog Lloyd. This may sound funny but donkey's are extremely protective of their heard and they will kill anything they think is a predator. It doesn't make a difference if it's a mountain lion, bear, wolf, or moose. Jack wasn't going to let our Bassett Hound, Lloyd, scare his corral mates Amie and Breeze ... even though their combined weight is over 3,000 pounds. Back to the chase. Lloyd was screaming at the top of his lungs and the foam was flying as it was beautifully displayed by the bright orange sunset behind him. I've never seen Lloyd run that fast. He was at full stride (like a greyhound) and only inches off the ground. The interesting thing was that jack was so close to him his head was actually ahead of Lloyds. I also was fearing for Lloyd's life as I was screaming out Jack, Jack as loud as I could while running with a manure rake in my hand. On the 5th Jack he suddenly stopped and let Lloyd's urine-soaked body make it through the fence and to safety. I yelled at jack and pushed him away. After consoling Lloyd I went back to jack to have a few words. He knew he was wrong. As I was scolding him he inched closer and closer to me nervously swaying his head back-and-forth looking for acceptance. Eventually he pushed his head and giant soft ears into my chest and begged forgiveness. Needless to say, I forgave him. A few days have passed since this episode occurred and Lloyd continues to push the envelope. You see Lloyd was here way before Jack and he feels he can go anywhere on this land and not have to worry about it. It one sense I'm afraid for Lloyd's safety and on the other hand I very proud of his courage.

That Would Be The Butt Bob

As usual, we had an excellent call-in show with Dr. Michael Fox this morning on 91.7 kaxe/kaxe.org. He answered questions regarding a potential case of cat dementia ... how to stop a dog from constantly barking ... why dogs get lost ... how dogs find their way home ... a great comb for dogs called the Furminator ... and a very unsettling case of a cat returning home to his cat companion and being shunned because of her cat litter odor or the Chanel #5 perfume her owner was wearing. Hell ... my wife shuts me out when I come home with Garlic on my breath. As soon as I walk in the door I hear, "You've been eating Garlic haven't you?" A cat can't say that. All they can do is turn their back and strut the other way with their nose pointed straight up. You would too if you knew where one of the main ingredients of Chanel #5 came from. Where you are asking? I'll tell you where! It's from the anal glands of cats from Ethiopia. That sucks scissors! Think of that the next time you put a little dab of Chanel #5 on your neck, back and breasts!