What The Hell's Going On

Vince Lombardi, the late, great coach of the Green Bay Packers used to have a great saying when he coached ... "What the hell is going on out there!" I use that one a lot when I'm coaching as well. But lately I've been screaming it in the privacy of my own kitchen. This whole recycling thing and the world making an effort to be green is driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong, I recycle everything and I pick up garbage and I verbally assault people that throw cigarette butts out there window. But somebody please help me understand the madness behind recycling? There's a numbering system on the bottom of plastic containers that goes from 1-7. But the #1's are the only ones you can recycle .. right? So when I look at the bottom of my frozen raspberry container it reads #3 ... when I read the bottom of my skim milk jug it reads #1. Recycle the milk jug and toss the fruit cup. What the hell's up with that? If there is such a push to make this planet greener, then why in the world isn't everything a #1. Why waste time with the 2'a and 6's? Is it that it's cheaper for companies to sell products in 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's and 6's? If that's true, wouldn't everyone be willing to pay a few cents more for their fruit cups to be recyclable? Also, now I hear that these Nalgene water jugs that are #'7's will kill you. This world is a dangerous place. They used to say you had a greater chance of getting killed by simply crossing the street than you did in a plane crash. Now I think you have a better chance of kicking-the-bucket drinking water than you do crossing the street. The next thing you know vitamins will be bad for you. Come to think of it, my Dr. encouraged me a few years ago to take Vitamin E. She said, "It will make you live longer." Last year I read a report in the American Journal of Medicine that said Vitamin E could kill you ... what the f ---!

Two Left Feet

What does stress do to you? Does it make you lose weight? Does it make you vulnerable to diseases? Does it make you snap at your family members? Does it make you miss your period? Does it make your hair fall out? Does it make your poop a little softer? Stress does many things to many people but the example I witnessed today was a first. I was sitting in a meeting when I heard a loud "Oh my God" come from one of the people in the meeting. "I'm so embarrassed ... I can't believe this. How could this happen?" as he buried his blushing face in his hands. What was it you ask? He put on two completely different shoes. That's' right ... two completely different shoes! I thought bringing a full gallon of milk out to the car with me was bad? Can you imagine putting on two different shoes? I'm trying to imagine how that happened. Does he have both pair right next to each other and put them on blindly? Wouldn't they feel different? I guess not because he had them on today. I sure hope he tells his family this story because it's just too good. I've always heard that if you don't make mistakes you're not trying.

Running His Ass Off

I was cleaning up the horse manure from our land the other day toward evening and I heard a blood-curdling scream from the west side of our field. I looked up to see Jack, our donkey, chasing after my dog Lloyd. This may sound funny but donkey's are extremely protective of their heard and they will kill anything they think is a predator. It doesn't make a difference if it's a mountain lion, bear, wolf, or moose. Jack wasn't going to let our Bassett Hound, Lloyd, scare his corral mates Amie and Breeze ... even though their combined weight is over 3,000 pounds. Back to the chase. Lloyd was screaming at the top of his lungs and the foam was flying as it was beautifully displayed by the bright orange sunset behind him. I've never seen Lloyd run that fast. He was at full stride (like a greyhound) and only inches off the ground. The interesting thing was that jack was so close to him his head was actually ahead of Lloyds. I also was fearing for Lloyd's life as I was screaming out Jack, Jack as loud as I could while running with a manure rake in my hand. On the 5th Jack he suddenly stopped and let Lloyd's urine-soaked body make it through the fence and to safety. I yelled at jack and pushed him away. After consoling Lloyd I went back to jack to have a few words. He knew he was wrong. As I was scolding him he inched closer and closer to me nervously swaying his head back-and-forth looking for acceptance. Eventually he pushed his head and giant soft ears into my chest and begged forgiveness. Needless to say, I forgave him. A few days have passed since this episode occurred and Lloyd continues to push the envelope. You see Lloyd was here way before Jack and he feels he can go anywhere on this land and not have to worry about it. It one sense I'm afraid for Lloyd's safety and on the other hand I very proud of his courage.

That Would Be The Butt Bob

As usual, we had an excellent call-in show with Dr. Michael Fox this morning on 91.7 kaxe/kaxe.org. He answered questions regarding a potential case of cat dementia ... how to stop a dog from constantly barking ... why dogs get lost ... how dogs find their way home ... a great comb for dogs called the Furminator ... and a very unsettling case of a cat returning home to his cat companion and being shunned because of her cat litter odor or the Chanel #5 perfume her owner was wearing. Hell ... my wife shuts me out when I come home with Garlic on my breath. As soon as I walk in the door I hear, "You've been eating Garlic haven't you?" A cat can't say that. All they can do is turn their back and strut the other way with their nose pointed straight up. You would too if you knew where one of the main ingredients of Chanel #5 came from. Where you are asking? I'll tell you where! It's from the anal glands of cats from Ethiopia. That sucks scissors! Think of that the next time you put a little dab of Chanel #5 on your neck, back and breasts!

Head Games

The labor pains were to musc to take at my brothers 5th birthday party on Sand Lake just a few miles west of Remer, Minnesota on a beautiful late summer afternoon on August 27, 1958. Hastily, Carol Bauer made her way into the back seat of an old brown 4-door Chevy for a high-speed race to Itasca Memorial Hospital in Grand Rapids, Minnesota with Migs Ahlbom at the wheel. The pain was excruciating as her soon-to-be-delivered son John, was trying to escape the womb by using his giant head as a battering-ram. After much screaming and blood loss, John Thomas Bauer was born on his brother Pete's birthday. From that day forward, my head became a very big part of my life. Baseball hats wouldn't fit .. class pictures looked awkward .. entrances to snow forts had to be widened .. kids would stop, stare and point .. pillows wore out faster than normal because the constant pounding .. and the one claim to fame was that I was the smallest player on my high school and college football teams but had the largest head ... 7 3/4. The best thing that ever came about because of my giant head was revealed a few weeks ago while visiting a family member in the hospital. Have you ever taken those obesity tests? You know, the ones that say you should weigh this much if you're so tall? Well, while in the hospital room I spotted a devise that measures your height. You back up against the wall and lower the plate to the top of your head to see how tall you are. Well, this one had a weight measure at every inch of height. Mine once again labeled me as obese. This has always puzzled me as I don't think of myself as being obese. I'm 5'7" tall and weigh anywhere from 168 to 172 pounds. Needless to say I walked out of the hospital room with poor self-esteem and a hunger for a diet. That very same night my sister-in-law Andee called my to tell me about her theory on my obesity. She said, "Have you ever given any consideration to how much your head weighs compared to the rest of your body?" She also feels that I'm not obese ... but maybe my head is and thus the extra weight to throw me over the obesity line. I never was so happy in my life. It was my head that was causing all the tonnage issue. Now I can walk away with my head held high.

You're So Vein

Here it is April 25th and the ice is falling from the sky with 16" of snow right behind it. It couldn't get any worse ... could it? My cell phone alarm went off and it was time to take our two dogs Sadie and Lloyd and our cat Luffa to the vet. Since Lloyd is such a puss, I thought I'd bring him in first. He was really excited to be going somewhere different. He stuck his chest out and strut his way directly through the front door of the vet's office. Did you know Basset Hounds have the second best smelling nose of any dog second only to the Blood Hound? Well you should have seen it at work when he walked through that door. He immediately knew he'd made a mistake and started to shake Don Knotts in that funny western movie. What made things even worse was the fact that he had to wait a good 15-minutes before he got the call. Once inside he tipped the scales at 75-pounds. The Vet Assistant gave Lloyd the once-over and checked his temperature by sticking something up his butt. Once in there, she determined he had the runs based on his temperature and the heavy buildup of poop residue caked on his ass. "Well give you something for that," said the Vet Assistant. She then called for the Doc as they needed to draw blood to see if he had any viruses or other health concerns. She also informed me that Basset Hounds are terrible for finding a good vein for blood because of their short, stocky legs and the Doc would do abetter job than her. After many attempts at finding a vein in the front leg they went for the back and finally struck gold ... or should I say red. The blood was rushed off for testing, Lloyd took three shots in the back of the neck and he was off to the Camry and very excited to do so. Next was Sadie. She's a 14-year-old Blue healer who has bad back hips, poor eyesight and is losing her hearing. What she does have is spirit and the will to live. Sadie has spent her whole life on the horse trail and very prod of that. Sadie was a gem in the Doc's office. They drew her blood, gave her two shots and it was off to join Lloyd in the back seat after dodging a extremely hyper German Sheppard and a 97-pound golden lab in the lobby. Up next ... Luffa the cat. Luffa came was taken from the car in a cat kennel and was a little nervous. They wieghed her (12.55 pounds) and checked her out everywhere imaginable. She received two shots and was on her way. After returning from the car I was told that Sadie had a tic-bearing disease and needed special medication. "We'll give you something for that." They also gave us Frontline and some chewy chunks that help them with something but I'm not really sure what. When the receptionist in the black and white animal smock told me the total for this 30-minute visit ... I almost shit my pants. Thank God I didn't because they would have probably shoved that thermometer up my ass and charged me for it. Oh .. did I forget to tell you how much the bill was? $481.76.

Both Barrels

Today we are celebrating KAXE's 32nd birthday. In honor of our birthday we asked people to bake us 32 birthday cakes and the count so far is 24. Earlier this morning in the KAXE Kitchen I ran into a very nice gentleman who spilled his guts out to me. He asked me how long I've been working at KAXE and I told him nearly 13 years. He said and I quote, "I thought you were an asshole! But now I love listening to you." He said he normally doesn't open up like that with people but he did for me and I thought it was great .. kind of! Then, a short guy with dark "Al Linder" ssunglasses stopped by for a piece of cake. I've never met him before in my life. The first thing he said to me was, "The things you see when you don't have a gun!" I've never understood the unique gift I have that makes people despise me but it must be real.